so tonight i met someone... we had chatted before. very sweet guy. he is a flight attendant with delta. he also has a partner, but is in an open relationship. our intentions were to meet and hangout till it was time for him to go back to his hotel to go to bed... but as nature intervened... we ended up back at his hotel room.
i am not usually one to do things like this... but he made me feel really special. while we were sitting at the dinner table, he said, steven, you're so sweet, cute and smart... you need someone to show you love. i can tell that about you. i see it in your eyes.
i wanted to cry right there... all my sadness almost came to surface that i've been trying to bury deep within. all the thoughts of my ex came flooding back, and how i'll never see him again b/c of our stupid government and the embassy... why won't they approve his visa application already...
thoughts of guys that tell me they are into me, and want to meet me, but then stand me up... leave me sitting alone in a cafe, looking like a fool... or you give me false information about you... why can't you grow up and be a real man... if you aren't into me... then just don't bother with me. don't play with my emotions. i am already fragile enough... or do you sense that, and you try to break me down ever further...
thoughts of wanting to take my own life because i feel worthless and unloved... ugly, and that no one will ever love me.
Even after hearing those words from his mouth tonight, and him showing me a special time... why do i still feel so sad?
I've engaged in acts with a man that is in an open relationship... he told his partner that he was meeting me... they are open about these things. he made me feel so special... for that brief time... i feel special and wanted, but i don't feel loved. why can't i meet someone like that... he wanted to show me the love that i need, but he can't. only for this brief time.
now my emotions are all out of whack... why is this so hard? why can't love be easy? i always say that one day... i know i'm going to meet someone, and it will be right... but deep down, i fear that, "the one" has already come and gone... and i will remain alone for the remainder of my life.
i know as you are reading this, you are thinking... steven, you are loved, you have great friends... and i do. i love my friends dearly... but they can't give me the kind of love that i so long to have. you're also thinking that it will happen for me one day... that i'm such a nice guy...
i am a nice guy, though i have my moments, but the nice guy... it's all a front. i sit at home and i mourn a love lost.
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